Chart Chasers #34

Hello and welcome to Chart Chasers where once again I’ll be checking out the latest songs to hit the UK chart. I’m particularly excited for this week’s edition because there’s EIGHT new songs, some of which are awesome and others of which couldn’t be further away from awesome. It amuses me greatly when I can really rip a song apart. Let’s do it then!

First up today is a cover from the amazing singer that is Adele. It’s a live track recorded at the iTunes Festival 2011. Quite why it’s suddenly found it’s way into the chart now is beyond me but I imagine it’s going to sound beautiful all the same. The song is I Can’t Make You Love Me.

Well as expected that showed off Adele’s incredible voice pretty well. The song itself is a bit boring though and as talented as Adele is, some of the songs she sings are quite dull. Still pleasant to the ears though. 3/5.

Next up we have The Other Tribe with a song called Skirts. I haven't the faintest idea what this song is about or who the hell the other tribe are. The name implies they are not the original or main tribe. And why skirts? They could choose any item of clothing to name a song after, why didn’t they call it Hats. Hats are cool.

Wow. I still know nothing about this artist but what a tune this is. Some might describe it as having a “sick beat”. And the chorus, for want of a better word, sounds so good. An unexpected pleasure, this is so awesome. 5/5.

It’s time for another song from my future wife Taylor Swift. In the last week we’ve not got any closer to marriage but my hopes are still unrealistically high. This song is called Red. I’m trying to speculate what it’s actually about or rather how the colour red relates to a break-up. Let’s see.

Sigh. She is just perfect. The lyrics make very little sense but she managed to get several colours in the song which is always good. I’m a little disappointed that she didn’t put orange in and manage to rhyme it but even Taylor has limits. I liked this and will probably go on to like it more after a few more listens. 4/5.

We now move on from my dream woman to one from my nightmares- it’s Nicki Minaj! How anyone has ever liked anything Minaj has ever made is beyond me. For the title of this track Minaj took inspiration from a car advert from a couple of years back- it’s called Va Va Voom.

Well this is probably the best solo song Minaj has ever released. The chorus is almost likable were it not for the va va voom nonsense. There’s still plenty of Minaj talking annoyingly and it’s still pretty awful but it’s an improvement on her past work. 2/5.

Ellie Goulding is back with her new single Anything Could Happen. I sort of feel like the title of this one is the answer to the question Dr. Pepper is always asking. Ellie’s not made anything new in a while because she’s been too busy breaking up with Radio 1 DJs and moving on to terrible dubstep producers. Yeah, I’m totally up with the gossip. Let’s see if her new song is any good!

Well that was alright but I found it a bit boring. Ellie sings a phrase or a note and then seems to repeat it for ages and ages. Ellie has such a distinctive voice but it’s wasted on this indistinctive song. 3/5.

You might need to press “Read More” to see the remaining songs by Adele, One Direction and Rihanna!

Now for our second song this week from Adele. This one is the theme to the new James Bond film Skyfall, and the song is imaginatively called Skyfall. I see what she did there.

I absolutely love this track. It’s a great Bond theme which reminds me very much of the Shirley Bassey classics. It’s exciting and shows off Adele’s voice but still sounds like a Bond theme. Wonderful. 5/5.

OK, here we go. This is the one you’ve all been waiting for. It’s the new track from One Direction. I am properly worried about what I’m about to watch and listen to. I expect a piece of terrible pop rubbish with the band members prancing around in a homosexual way which the world’s teenagers for some reason will love. This “song” is called Live While You’re Young.

I literally cried “Oh God” about a second after the singing started. “Tonight let’s get some and live while we’re young”. Are they even legally old enough to get some? The song is admittedly pretty catchy. Given to another band, say The Wanted, I would be saying that it’s ok. But that’s because at least The Wanted have some singing ability and don’t get by just on their looks (have you seen some of The Wanted, it’d never work). Most of One Direction cannot sing and if there was any justice in the world they’d all be working in supermarkets stacking bread or something. This is by far the worst song of the day and one of the worst songs I’ve had to listen to for this feature. –10/5.

It’s now time for our final song. This is the latest one from Rihanna, who seems capable of producing both pretty decent and pretty awful songs- its tends to go one way or the other. I wonder which way Diamonds will go?

Much to my suprise this song falls into the middle. It’s not one of the good ones but it’s not quite down there with some of the bad ones. It’s a pretty uninspiring kind of song with an annoying Minaj sounding bit “Shine Bright Like a Diamond”. 3/5.

And that’s it for this week. I shall now go into hiding so that the Directioners can never find me. Thanks for reading and I’ll be back with more soon!